Feeling Alone in a Relationship? You could be missing the literal "we"
“Human beings are meaning-making machines,” is a phrase often written among some of the best and most profound existentialist authors, Jungian psychologists, and Pinterest pseudo-psychology quotes alike. It’s a powerhouse of a statement and really packs a punch upon first glance. But, if you sit with it for a minute, what happens. Does it land? Does it truly apply to you, what you feel about the nature of meaning? How about the meaning of words? I’m not suggesting you’re not human, but I am wondering and would like you to ask yourself, “how much meaning do I place on the things I say?” “How much meaning do I place on the words I hear from my partner?”
If you haven’t stopped to think about it before, it could be because you’re more inclined to take things at face-value. You might use the literal meaning of a word more often, walk away from a conversation not thinking about it, or at least not feel the need to ask further questions, dive deeper or expand. If you’ve found yourself thinking more about the meaning behind the things people say, you might fall into the more curious camp as it pertains to what someone may have meant with a specific word they choose. Maybe you’re a little more inclined to ask questions that incite elaboration or want to dig into where an idea or topic or word even came from. Either way, having a pulse on what kind of meaning-maker you are is good to know, especially when it comes to having a conversation with your partner or any other person you care about.
Keep in mind here, I’m not just talking about perspective. It’s so common to come from two different perspectives in relationships, but those perspectives don’t just include the content or topic being discussed. The process of articulating - the how it’s being discussed - and the words being chosen to discuss them, these might all carry weight as well, depending on who you’re talking to. It’s good to consider that while you may be done with a conversation, or you have a particular point of view, your partner, at the same time, is creating their very own version of the story you may be telling.
As human beings we create stories all the time about situations, events, occurrences, even small, very minute ones. And, while it’s not your job to read your partner’s mind or know how he or she might interpret something, a partnership is just as much about honoring one another as individuals as it is co-creating and co-constructing meaning together. John Gottman, PhD, the author of a number of books on relationships, like The Relationship Cure, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and a relationship expert himself, talks about this in what he calls “shared meaning.” Shared meaning is the idea that as people come together to form relationships, over time the amount of shared meaning they have and the depth of that shared meaning can help couples feel closer to one another.
Shared meaning is something you can do in even the slightest way that can still carry a really positive affect into your relationship and create a sense of kinship or togetherness. For instance, think about what happens when you feel more included in a conversation, are brought a coffee you like out of the blue, make plans together for the present and the future. What’s that like for you? What does that mean to you? More often than not, there’s a very real sense of togetherness and belonging that happens that, in turn, invites even more connection when the sense of “we” is planted, and continuously watered. This feeling, this idea of “we” is an incredibly important component of growing a sense of security in a relationship. Without saying it, when you’re saying “we” you’re also saying “you’re absolutely worth making plans with,” you’re saying, “I’m investing my time, my energy and myself in us” and it’s a definite way to lean into your relationship and invite your partner into this connection that deepens emotional intimacy at the same time.
As a practice, reflect for a quick second on what happens when you use the word “we.” What’s your intent behind it? How about when you don’t use it? When you’re talking with your partner and he or she uses the word “we,” what’s that like for you? Every single opportunity you come into with your partner or with any other human being quite honestly, is an opportunity to either lean in or lean out. If you’re not doing either of these things intentionally, think about this for a second. Maybe you should be?
